As you can tell, I'm not so good at this blogging thing. Sometimes I run out of time, or I forget, or I simply don't feel like I have anything to say. But today I don't care about whether I have time, because I have something to say...well something to process at least. Something that has struck me, something I know has probably struck you, too. I see it on Facebook posts. The questions of "why?" and "how could she?" I'm talking about the death (at this point, suspected murder) of three year old Emiliano Terry.
Normally I wouldn't try to process my own thoughts and questions in such a public way, but then I know that so many of us are hurting and confused, too. Please keep in mind that these are the thoughts that I have, the tensions I am trying to make sense of...as a person, as a Christian and as a Pastor. These three categories don't always want to align, and herein lies an added struggle. Please also keep in mind that my thoughts might not agree with yours. That's okay. I just want us to know that it's okay to struggle with these tragic situations and the fears and questions they raise. I think it's important as members of a Christian community (yes, I'm assuming that if someone reads this you are likely connected to Faith UMC in some way) that we struggle with these challenges together. So if you are moved to leave comments, leave comments. Just make sure that the comments will engage and build up our conversation, rather than stopping it. Thank you!
Here goes: The news first broke on Sunday evening, at least that's when I first heard about it. I was settling in after a busy day. All I wanted was some time for mindless TV before another week started again in the morning. So I admit that when the "Breaking News" screen flashed up, I groaned. I'm so used to "breaking news" that really isn't so urgent. But then the face of a small child took over my screen. Emiliano Terry. Supposedly disappeared from a park, his five year old brother reported seeing him get into a car. My heart sunk and my stomach twisted. All I could think about was the guilt and terror that must be consuming the mother. My thoughts went to all the young families I know and I imagined the anxiety this must be causing to them, especially. I don't remember any questions sinking in, no 'whys?' came to mind. Just a heavy sadness. I said a prayer, for the boy, for the family, for whoever might have taken him, for a happy resolution.
We know now that this happy end wouldn't come. I imagine many of us knew it from the first flash of little Emiliano's face. We dared to hope, but braced for the worst. We've seen this happen too many times. Then the news of a body, found in trash bags at a garbage dump. More prayers, more sadness, more anger. This is when the "whys?" started to kick in. Why? Why did someone do this? How could they? Then came the news that the mother, the heartbroken mother heard on 911 tapes reporting her missing son, now she is the one being held as a suspect. Words escape me. My head shakes in disbelief, in horror and a heavy heartache.
But this morning I saw people's responses. Not surprising. I've seen them before, the outrage, the call for vengeance. The call that the mother be disposed of like she did to her child. Now my heart breaks for us all. I understand the anger. Yet something inside me resists it. Maybe it's because I've learned that the mother is only 20 years old and has 3 children. The news reports that she spent time in foster care and has previously made calls to family support services for help. I already know how some people might respond. Some will say, "she should have gotten help" or "she shouldn't have had so many kids" or "I've been through worse and haven't killed anyone." etc etc etc.
I do not and would not condone what she did. I imagine she was desperate and perhaps saw this as her only solution, and that breaks my heart for two reasons. First, what she is suspected of doing to her child makes me sick and is unthinkable. There aren't words, there can be no justification. We know that. And that is why I fully expect that she faces judgement, not only from our legal system, but from God. I pray for a judgment that is just, although I can honestly tell you that I'm not sure what that should look like. I pray, too, to find forgiveness, but know that forgiveness is not forgetfulness. Forgiveness does not mean excusing an action, letting it go, enabling someone in unhealthy ways. Instead, forgiveness releases us from being consumed again by the action. In this case, forgiveness frees us from taking on the violence that was shown to this child, we don't need to let the violence have the final word in our life, too. God's justice will be the final Word.
But my heart also breaks for the brokenness that must have contributed to this horrific action. Maybe it was mental illness, maybe it was a system that failed her early on that left her desperate. Maybe there is no reason: maybe she wasn't overwhelmed or alone or impoverished or desperate, maybe evil was just victorious on this day. All I can say is that we are still a broken people. I suspect that doesn't make us feel any better about it. But my hope is that God's judgment will come to put things right. To judge a system (and people) that hasn't provide for all God's children the way God calls it (us) to. To judge the forces of evil and violence and hatred and poverty and broken relationships, so that God might finally and fully be victorious. That God's Kingdom would come on earth as it is in heaven.
I still have questions, anger, sadness, confusion. I still wonder how it could have happened. I still wonder at the sad irony of this news breaking when just that morning in worship we celebrated "Christ the King" Sunday. We wonder where God was in this, "where was God's rule then?" we ask. I don't have answers. I just try to take solace and hope in knowing a better day is coming. It is already on its way. It may not have shown on Sunday, but maybe it will tomorrow. In the meantime, I believe God cries with us, mourns with us, is angry along with us. God hurts at our brokenness, God hates the evil that pervades this creation. God does, God can, God will overcome it. In the meantime, we struggle on together, we hope together, we live together into this hope.
So I end by offering a prayer, one that I hope captures our true emotions and reactions; one that I hope will move us not towards understanding, but towards forgiveness, hopefulness, and continued faithfulness.
Lord, we are confused and angry and hurt. We want vengeance, but we ask that you help us forgive. Even when we don't want to forgive, when it is easier to call for violence in return, we ask that you release our grasp. Help us to hold onto You, instead. We pray for justice. We pray that You know what that justice and judgement look like when we don't. Hear our prayers, Lord and cradle little Emiliano in Your arms now. May his two brothers be loved and cared for in protective custody. Lord, for those of us who aren't quite ready to pray for Your care to be on the mother in this case, work on our hearts as You work on hers to offer us all Your love. Don't leave us, Lord, we are struggling and all we have is to call on Your name. So hear us, we pray. In the strong name of Jesus we pray, Amen.
